I should have added...

just because I'm not posting anymore doesnt mean i dont still care about many of you... ginandtrouble@hotmail.com , ANYTIME

...and to all, a good night!

The holidays are coming. I think it's time for me to go. So here goes my final entry... I'll be deleting all my posts - I'm not sure I know that girl so well anymore. But do hear me out first.

It's very important to me that any of you left reading dont think i'm 'fixed' or feel in any way superior. 

I weigh 137 pounds. I am not ok with that, but I would rather carry on trying to eat healthy, the majority of the time, than let the upcoming festivals of food whip me into crazy again. 

In fact, I must admit I made absolutely no steps of my own accord to be less crazy, if it was up to me i would have spent the last 9 months exercising and abusing amphetamines and throwing up £30 of food in an evening. I was lucky enough to lose control of certain elements of my disorder.

  At least I think I feel it was lucky. 

I dont think i could have carried on as I had been forever, but being in China for so long really did just make it harder to act on my crazy. Or maybe i was removed from the crazy triggers of my life back home. They certainly dont have the power they once did.

I write this because I think its important to underline that it doesnt all magically fall into place, and i Havent lost the desire to be thinner than i am, by about ten pounds. But then what girl doesnt want that right?

Last week, I kept it steady around 1200 calories each day. Went from 138 to 133 in a week (i had been exceedingly naughty in the preceding week) It was easy-ish, I did a lot of cooking. I still spend each night before bed thinking about what im going to eat each day!

Actually this next bit is kinda amusing - I didnt go down to London that weekend to see my boyfriend because I couldnt be bothered (i know, bad sign but im going this weekend!) Anywho, I pretended to be ill. Which meant sitting around in bed all weekend getting stoned, which meant eating a lot. a lot a lot.

I suppose it serves me right for being a lying, lazy bitch.

Then i saw 140 and this is how i know its time to say bye to the community here - I didnt feel crazy angry frustrated or even like i needed to tell you guys. I just thought, well, you know what next week is going to have to be like then dont you?!

So this week Ive kept it to around the same (oooh valium just kicked in - exciting!) because I just eat lunch, and dinner. I eat a healthy lunch, a healthy dinner, and i have a snack in the evening. I dont mean healthy, "half a banana on rye bread", I mean homemade chicken soup, low fat custard for a snack, humus and carrot sandwiches, low fat rice cakes. actual food which i enjoy. remember that? shit now im hungry again.

Ok the point of all that was not to entice myself back into detailing the minutiae of my eating habits. THE POINT was that I wanted you guys to know that if you ever did want to not have to be sick every day, and hide the binge-debris in your room, and say no to the point where your life is no fun, or whatever it is that you think your ED detracts from your life, its not a fixed state. You're arent 'unfixable'.

You dont ever fully recover, (i still want to be 120 pounds. But i also know that i will be ok at 130. Not 137 obviously, thats still too much in my book.) but there IS a state which is manageable, which doesnt feel like pointless confusing hell all the time.

I would love to hear what you think about what I've said. I know there were plenty of times when i wanted the sensible girls to FUCK OFF AND LET ME BE DESTRUCTIVE.

*ahem* I just called myself SENSIBLE?! I'd like to be sensible. What I'd really like is to be one of those 'naturally skinny girls', you know, the ones that DONT EXIST? because theyre good at toeing the line between careful and chaotic.

Anyway, feedback encouraged, i'll be hanging around for a while even if i'm just reading, the last post i will leave here as a sort of memorial of my time here... You all mean a lot to me, the hysteria about the 'pro-ana' community will never understand the important bonds of friendship, trust and support which we share through this private, individual struggle which we share on this most public of arenas.

Here wrote Lulu:

Reformed Slut, Secretive Bacon Eater, Lover of Unavailable Men,

Her cynical and judgemental spirit has moved on to a (hopefully) better place.

(because we all like to post the flattering ones - here's the me I dont show you, the me that dresses like a mental community college art teacher to walk around the backwaters of foreign countries.)

XX